I won’t sit here and lie, say that everything is perfect, fine, blissful. School is hard, keeping up with relationships is hard, and there are some days where quite literally it is all I can do to shut off the spazzy alarm clock in the morning. My hand slaps down, SNOOZE! SNOOZE! SNOOZE! It’s quite annoying really, and it makes me angry at myself. Angry that I’m not jumping out of bed to greet life and this day, to let the animals outside, to go to school and learn about tracheostomies, tracheotomies, and chest tubes. I would sleep all day, never clean, the animals would let themselves out, if I could. I get cranky when I have to study or do any work at all. You get the picture. My poor fiancé.
Today though, I was reading this blog post, from Nici Holt Cline, her blog is called Dig This Chick (www.digthischick.net) and I might have had a moment of clarity. Breakthrough, god-beams coming through the clouds, whatever the hell you call it. She mentions trying to live a kindness-only policy through life…and this speaks to me. It speaks to me because I constantly feel like I am defending myself, to explain why I am saying no to people, and I feel bad for saying no. This translates, in my world, to a no-kindness policy to myself, which materializes into grumpiness toward the people in my life that I am closest to. (Namely sweet fiancé who is the first to encounter my bullshit. And always, always comes back with kindness.) This whole kindness-only thing is nothing new, not any sort of monumental discovery, and yet, I am gripped by the idea of it. Kindness to myself? Kindness to everyone around me? The two are intertwined in a fantastic display of chutes and ladders. There is no one without the other. When we fulfill our need for space, solitude, time alone, time to accomplish the tasks which literally help us stay sane, we find it easier to greet others (and the world, for that matter) with the kindness that is necessary for the shit to not hit the fan. Maybe even, in time, we find that the place from which this kindness is coming, is actually genuine. That we wish kindness for others.
Maybe if I tried to say the words “no, I can’t, I need this time for me” a little more, I will find that this policy actually will work. That if I am more kind to myself, I can put the hater in me to rest. Forever. It isn’t that hard, really. Weave it in, every day. I’m hoping it will foster calmness and help me to see those around me in a new light.