Be great, feel great, act great.

by practiceradicallove

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I love drinking Yogi Tea because on every bag of tea, there is a little pick-me-up written on the tag.  Tonight’s little blessing, which just so happens to be the title of this entry, couldn’t have come at a more needed time. Last week was a rough one at work, and I started to become afraid that I’ve been putting off grieving for my grandmother, and even for my aunt who died in the spring. It’s almost like my emotions have become some weird Ringling Bros. contortionist who is doomed to stay all twisty forever; lately I have no earthly clue what’s up or down, left or right.   

As a nurse in the ICU, there is a tremendous exposure to death. Sometimes it comes peacefully, but mostly it comes in a traumatic way.  I’ve noticed that I have developed the tendency to intellectualize my own personal feelings toward death. This isn’t so easy- I feel like there are so many emotions that I NEED to feel, but they just aren’t there.  I had coffee the other day with a good friend…her grandfather passed away the day after Mema. Crazy coincidence, right? We were venting to each other about our lives, and I feel safe saying that the general consensus was that we haven’t been feeding our souls. We’ve both been swamped with work, funerals, helping our families, projects, etcetera and so forth, and we haven’t been taking care of ME. I won’t speak to my friend’s feelings, but personally, until that conversation, I was drowning. Completely exhausted, unhappy, eating crap for food, just absolute chaos in my mind. I wanted to quit being a nurse and run away to some green island with nothing but sheep, knitting needles, and an endless supply of yarn.  (Yes, I know that my idea of paradise is totally weird.) My friend gave me some tough love in only the way that she can, and we decided, pardon my French, that we needed to get our collective shit together.  We needed to start eating right, exercising more, cleaning our houses, laughing, and enjoying life again.

It’s completely nuts how having a conversation with someone who is going through the same battles, at the same time, can change your outlook in the span of a 3 hour conversation.  I put my life into a calendar as soon as I got home, and started making lists and reminders of all the things I need to accomplish this weekend, and suddenly it doesn’t all seem like a big, dark pit of despair and clutter. Don’t get it twisted- my house is still a tornado of dog hair and random piles of books and junk mail, but my sink is clean before I head to bed. Dinner dishes have been washed, and I even got some reading time in.  Somehow, allowing myself to fit all this stuff in before I go to bed makes me feel more calm, and less worried about all the mountain of laundry that I need to tackle tomorrow.  Like my Yogi Tea says: be great, feel great, act great. Who knows, maybe soon I’ll actually be able to work through all these feels that I’ve been collecting inside.  😉

Mad love,
Rachel

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